Changing Jobs

I decided to make a career change,

CoAs do not change easily. Change, regardless of its nature involves loss. The sense of self is tentative and for many, the personal identity and the work identity are one and the same; so any change in the workplace is disruptive. It involves the loss of self as it has been understood by the CoA. Many find themselves in tears when things are going well and devastated when things are going poorly. Identification with occupation is not exclusive to CoAs but the exaggerated reaction to change is relevant.

The leaving is stressful to the CoA because:

(1) Leaving is a sign of disloyalty, so the CoA will experience guilt.

(2) The CoA believes that the former colleagues:

— ”Will be angry with me”

__”Won’t like me any more”

— ”Will punish me” and that the new colleagues

— ”Will reject me, so I will be all alone in a hostile environment

(3) If the CoA takes care of him or herself, something terrible will happen to others.

— ”Those under my protection will throw to the wolves.” — Survivor guilt.

For many the leaving is more difficult than the new start. That is not only because of the struggles involved in leaving but because focusing on the leaving also serves as a smokescreen to avoid the fears involved in the change.

They include:

(1) Fear of success

(2) Fear of failure

Much has been written about the female fear of success (nice girls don’t) and the male fear of failure (if you’re a man, you will) and those culturally defined fears exist for the CoA as well. In and of themselves the messages of “You’ll never get a man” or” The world will know you’re a wimp”, can cause you great anxiety.

However, for the CoA the underlying message of you’re not worthy and the unconscious belief in that message causes panic when one goes against it.

The decision to change jobs for a CoA is excruciating

Decision-making skills are lacking. There is no frame of reference for making a careful, thought out decision without help.

As a result job changes will:

( 1) Happen to the CoA, rather than result from the CoA making the decision, and

(2) CoA will make impulsive decisions and live with the result of those impulses.

It is not unusual for a CoA to get stuck in trying to make a decision. This comes from forward and backward projection and an inability or lack of understanding of necessary steps in the moment.

(3) Since leaving is so hard, it has to be the perfect job. It has to be the right location, the right title, the right job description, the right salary, the right perks, the right opportunity for advancement, the right assistance — in short, everything. Otherwise, why bother? The agonizing over leaving means that the new job is a “ life-long” commitment. The idea that company might change, that you might change or that what is ideal for you today may not be ideal tomorrow is too complicated a notion to enter the picture.

(4) Learning involves risk. This brings up the childhood fear, “If I take a risk and it’s a mistake, my parents will humiliate me, mock me out and make fun of me to their friends.” The memory of that torture is excruciating.

In general, people look for new jobs because:

(1) They are unsatisfied where they are,

(2) A growth opportunity presents itself,

(3) It is time to move on for one’s own development, and

(4) Circumstances intervene.

CoAs look for new jobs when:

(1) The present situation becomes intolerable.

Dissatisfaction is generally regionalized or dismissed, or blamed on self. Subsequently, the discomfort builds until the situation is intolerable. Then another job must be found or the CoA will act out or get fired. The result is that the search is done with great urgency and a new position becomes more the luck of the draw than a carefully selected choice — like the individual who marries in order to get out of the house. This rapid choice is a good way for setting up the same situation all over again.

(2) Even though the CoA complain that he/she is under- appreciated and under-utilized, growth opportunities are not met with enthusiasm and an inner self-validation,

They are met with fear of discovery on the one hand and the suspicion that the growth opportunity is not all that it appears to be on the other. Since most new opportunities are not all they’re purported to be, looking at the negative side helps to allay the inadequacy fears. It is a sign of growth for the CoA to address concerns, directly and discuss terms. It is more usual to” stuff” concerns, put off the decision, panic that someone else will employer’s terms. Losing the opportunity as the result of avoidance is an alternate possibility and leads to an initial sense of relief. Then the fantasy of “if only” sets in.

(3) CoAs rarely move on solely because it is time to go further.

This comes from an inability to generalize skills.” I may do fine where I am but could I make it somewhere else?” Jobs are not looked on as opportunities to demonstrate particular skills but as a self definition.

Moving on because it is time is a carefully thought out and calculated decision. It involves preparation.and planning and deliberate systematic action. This is contrary to the operational mode of the CoA who operate best under pressure and in crisis.

(4) CoAs change jobs when circumstances intervene.

Getting fired has same devastion for CoAs as it does for others. Rejection, regardless of whether the job was worth having, brings up insecurities, and people respond with either depression, which debilitates, or anger, which energizes. CoAs are less prone than others to be able to use anger on their own behalf. It has been such a destructive force in the past that it is hard to harness it and make it useful. The knowledge of how to use anger and the freedom to see anger as being creative in not available to the COA.

Other circumstances, such as company moves or family crisis, are managed extremely well by CoAs. They are calm in the crisis and are able to do what needs to be done. Where others may fall apart in crisis and not be able to think clearly, CoAs become energized and clear thinking. This is one benefit of the legacy of living from crisis to crisis in childhood.